Giving Gifts & the Greatest Gift Ever Given

Christmas is coming. :)

For those who don't know, Christmas is my hands-down favorite holiday of the year. I have a Christmas sweater that I wear at least once a month, I listen to Christmas music year 'round, and sometimes, for my birthday (which is in mid-spring by the way) I pretend it's second Christmas.

There's just something about this time of year that makes my heart smile. Maybe it's the snow. When the world is white, and everything is still and quiet, when fluffy flakes flutter to the ground, I feel as though the air is filled with magic. Or maybe it's the Christmas lights, shining in the dark, lighting up the sky. Perhaps it's the increase in my consumption of hot chocolate, or the cheerful music, or brightly colored Christmas packages, wrapped in anticipation for Christmas morning, or the way that people act a little bit kinder towards one another when they think of the coming holiday.

Whatever the reasons, I love Christmas.

But I think the thing I love the most about Christmas, is that people think more about Christ. I think the spirit of Christmas could just as easily be called the spirit of Christ. After all, he's the reason we're celebrating.

I've noticed, as I've been getting older, with each passing Christmas, I look forward less and less to the gifts I'll be getting, and more and more to the gifts I'll be giving. Most of my friends think I'm crazy, but I started my Christmas shopping in September this year. That's how excited I am. As a child, I thought this was a strange concept. Why did adults like giving gifts more than getting them? What could be better than getting what you want?

As an adult, I've pondered this question as well, but with a slightly different attitude. What makes giving gifts so wonderful? You know that moment when someone you loves unwraps a carefully thought-out, heart-felt gift, and you know you got the perfect gift? Their face lights up, everyone gets excited, hugs of gratitude are exchanged, and you're just happy you finally got it right. It's one of the best feelings in the world! My roommates and I had a special "Roommate Christmas" yesterday, and my favorite moments by far, were watching the girls I've grown so close to this semester open the things I got for them.

It took me a while, but I think I finally figured it out.

Christmas is about Christ, and commemorating the gift he gave us by coming to earth. After all, his life, death, and resurrection were the greatest gifts ever given. He lived his life so that we could learn the way back to Heaven. He gave his life, so that change and forgiveness were within our reach. He was resurrected, he broke the bands of death, so that we could all, one day, live again. Because of the gifts that Christ gave us, starting with his humble birth, life has meaning, and death is not the end. Could there be a greater gift?

Yea, even doth not Isaiah say: Who hath believed our report, and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed? For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of dry ground; he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Mosiah 14:1-5 (see also Isaiah 53:1-5)

As we give to others, whether we give physical gifts, money, or merely our time, we are following the example that the Savior set for us. We are using the gifts he gave to make our lives, and the lives of others, well, better.

So that's where that good feeling comes from.

This is my favorite version of my favorite Christmas hymn. I hope that as you watch it, and as you prepare to celebrate Christmas, that you can feel the magic that I do, floating through the air. I hope that the next time you see a snowflake, Christmas lights, or packages decorated in colorful bows, that you can have the excitement of a child, but the wisdom of your years. In short, I hope that the spirit of Christmas fills your heart.

Merry Christmas my friends.

Have a wonderful holiday.

When Words Fail

Today I had an interesting experience. It was one of those moments that's difficult to really put into words. But I'll do my best.

For the past 5 days, I've been with a large group on a church history tour all throughout the mid-west. I signed up for the tour thinking it would be an awesome adventure, and a chance to check some things off my bucket list, but today it became something much more than that.

All throughout the trip, I heard people talk about the Spirit that they felt, "It's so strong here," they claimed. Some people fought tears most of the trip, others gave way to the waterfalls behind their eyes, and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I couldn't feel anything. Yeah, the places we were visiting were cool, there was a lot of history with a lot of heartache, but what were they feeling? What did they get that I seemed to be missing? Even standing in Nauvoo on the banks of the Mississippi river, looking out across the water, trying to imagine what it must have been like for the early saints, I didn't feel much other than, well, bad. I felt bad for them. I admired them, I felt sorrow for them, but I couldn't say that I felt much else.

Today, something was different. As we pulled up to the cemetery at Winter Quarters in Omaha, Nebraska, I felt something tug at my heart. I shrugged it off as we toured the visitor center, but as I stepped through the gate onto the cemetery grounds, an indescribable feeling of peace washed over me. I felt an overwhelming, compelling desire - no, a need- to be respectful and reverent. I felt that I was standing some place truly sacred.

As our group gathered around a beautiful statue depicting the struggles of the saints and a long list of names of those who had passed away during difficult times, a sort of quiet settled around us. Four or five people stood up to give a small devotional about the place we were in. We sang a hymn with nothing but the birds and the breeze to accompany us, and I felt that angels were singing with us.

I knew at that moment, that these people that we were remembering were so much more than names on a grave. They were more than merely the persecuted. These were people of faith. They knew what they were leaving, they didn't know what was ahead. and so many suffered so much, but these people knew that they had found something more valuable than any earthly treasure, and more comforting than the walls of any home or sanctuary in the world. They had found the gospel of Jesus Christ, restored in its fullness to the earth after centuries of being lost. And nothing could bring them greater joy, even amid the heartbreaking trials of sickness, death, and homelessness.

When the time came to leave, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to stay there. Forever. I was reminded of my own testimony, and the light that I have felt throughout my life because of my Savior Jesus Christ. It's hard to explain, but I felt the love of my Savior for myself, and for these people. And suddenly, I didn't feel bad anymore. These people, these early latter-day saints may not have known exactly what trials they would be called to face, but they knew that no matter what came, the Lord was on their side. He had promised them just as much.

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for they good.

The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

Therefore, hold on they way...Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever (Doctrine &Covenants 122:7-9).

I don't know everything. I have a lot of questions, confusions, and frustrations about life, and sometimes, even about the gospel. But that's okay, because of what I do know. I do know that God is there, and I know that he cares deeply. He knows what's in my heart, even when words fail me. I know that he is in the little moments like the one I had at the cemetery today. I know that Christ lives. I know that he leads this church. I know that he has called a prophet just like prophets in days of old, because he cares about us just as much as he cared about the people who lived back then.

I'm so grateful for the early saints who joined the church and stuck through the hard times. I so glad that I chose to come on this trip. Things have worked out perfectly, and although I can hardly wait to get off this bus, I'm thankful for the cramped space and wheels that have taken me hundreds of miles in only a few short days. It took the pioneers 4 months to cross Iowa. I made that same trip today in 9 hours. I know I say this a lot, but I am so blessed. I pray that I never forget.

Come, come ye saints, no toil or labor fear, 

but with joy wend your way. 

Though hard to you this journey may appear 

Grace shall be as your day.

Tis better far for us to strive

Our useless cares from us to drive

Do this and joy - your hearts will swell

All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away, in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the saints, will be blessed.
We'll make the air, with music ring,
Shout praises to our God and King;
Above the rest these words we'll tell -
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again
To see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-
All is well! All is well!

Who Needs Fairy Tales?

23.

Hmm. It doesn't look as old as it sounds coming out of my mouth. I turned 23 a couple weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure the saddest thing about it is that I can no longer sing T. Swift's, "22," at the top of my lungs on a daily basis without even a hint of guilt. I guess if that's the biggest struggle in my life, I've got it pretty good.

Ah, if only it were that simple. 

I've discovered something recently: getting older, while it has it's perks, comes with some downfalls as well. One of those down falls? More people probing me for the details of my dating life. Maybe it's all in my head, but it certainly seems like the older I get the more people ask. Perhaps they're getting nervous that I'm approaching the age that has been deemed, "menace to society." Just a gentle reminder to those of you who may be concerned, I still have two more years.

It's funny how life never quite plays out how you planned. Yet somehow, God orchestrates things to play out in a much more complex and beautiful way than we ever could have imagined.

All my life, I dreamed of being married at 21. Don't ask me where the number came from, I have no idea. It's just how I saw everything happening in my head. Clearly, that's not how things went down. But so far, I'd say things turned out much better. Even though on paper, it doesn't quite add up. Let me explain.

I served a mission at 19 and... well... yeah. That's about where I'm at.

I was talking with one of my roommates earlier today about my graduating class's upcoming 5 Year Reunion. Yeah, it's been five years since I graduated high school. Thaaaat's weird. "I just don't want to go," I confessed to her, "almost everyone I was close with in high school has done something with their life. Most of them are married, some of them have kids, many have graduated from college, have grown-up jobs... a few are even running their own businesses. And what have I done?" I asked. "I've served a mission, which is great, but so has almost everyone else." For a few moments, I felt like a lost cause. "Why would I want to go to a reunion? I have nothing to tell anyone."

Then, a little light crept into my heart. You've done great things, something inside of me whispered, just because they can't be measured on the same scale as life-time mile-stones, doesn't mean you're hopeless. That's when it clicked.

I don't have to be married or even dating anyone to have a successful and exciting life. I'm in college, and although I'm taking my sweet time, I'm enjoying myself and getting pretty dang good grades. I have been blessed with countless opportunities to travel for all sorts of reasons. I spent 4 months in California with my sister's family, spending time with them and traveling up and down the California coast. I've gone on road trips, and have plans to go on even more this summer. I've made hundreds of friends in the past 5 years, and have a job and co-workers that I wouldn't trade for the world. I've picked up some new hobbies including snowboarding and dancing. And no matter how many thousands of people have served missions, no one in the world has served the exact same mission as I did. No one's mission was as amazing as mine.

In my personal study, I've been learning a lot about humility, and a big part of humility is trusting in the Lord's timing. If things had gone my way, if I'd been married at 21, I would have missed out on so many of the beautiful blessings and cherished memories I can now claim because of the past 3 years. He sees it all. He knows the end from the beginning. His plan is so much better than mine. It's one of those, "Well, duh," moments. I know. But I guess I've always been a bit of a slow learner. It takes time for things to really sink in my hard head. Or as the Hawaiians say, po'o pakiki. Thankfully, God is pretty patient with me.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, life continues to surprise me. I may not be where I planned, but I'm no where near where I was. I've grown so much in the past 5 years. Heck, reading through old blog posts, I can't believe how far I've come in the past year. The Lord is so good to me. He treats me better than I deserve.

It's like my friend Lindsey Fossum posted on Facebook the other day, "I often find myself believing that all I truly want in life is a true love...Today, I realized that the true love of my life is my life." And even though I don't know what the Lord has in store for me in the coming months and years, the way I see it, with him as the author of my life, who needs fairy tales?

"God's promises are not always fulfilled as quickly or in the way we might hope."

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The Choice

I had the most amazing experience last week.

Photo Credit: Sarah Tapp Photography

It happened again. You know, falling into the mundane, getting so caught up in the every day tasks of living, that I forget to actually live. I was at a base line. I don't want to say I was numb, because I don't think that was the case. I just wasn't feeling anything. I had nothing to be happy about, but I had nothing to be sad about either. When people asked me how things were going, I honestly didn't know what to tell them. The optimist inside me would typically take over and answer in an upbeat manner, while the realist part of me questioned the words coming out of my mouth, "But what's so great about life right now? Nothing. So why are you saying that you crazy person? There's nothing to be cheerful about. So stop smiling."

Well this battle has been going for a couple weeks. The optimist inside me was getting a little worn out, when I stumbled across a prayer in one of my text books. This prayer was different though. It didn't ask for the removal of trials, or some great blessing or miracle. Instead, the author of the prayer plead with the Lord for whatever He saw fit to bestow at the time, even if it meant a trial.

As I read the words of the prayer, I felt a stirring in my heart. "This is what I'm missing," I thought.

You know the saying, "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it?" Well folks, be careful what you pray for. I did the crazy thing. I prayed for a trial.

It came the next day.

And it stung.

But then the most amazing things happened. One right after the other.

It's funny how trials have a way of opening my eyes to the hand of God.

It started with a lesson in my Psychology of Effective Living class, about the amazing amount of control we have over our bodies. It ended with a song, and a choice.

Did you know you can control your own heartbeat? I'm serious. We tried it out on a small scale in my psych class. Our professor had us take our pulse without any other instructions. I wrote my number down. Then, for just a few moments, she had us think about something that excited, scared, or stressed us recently and take our pulse again. My heart rate increase by nearly 10 beats per minute. To finish our experiment, our professor instructed us to think about our hearts. "See it: a healthy, red, beating heart, picture it in your mind. Now command it to slow down. Envision it slowing, calming, and take your pulse one last time." My final heart rate was 10 beats slower than my original number. It was the craziest thing!

So what does this have to do with the hand of God?

I'm getting there, I promise.

Photo Credit: Sarah Tapp Photography

That day in psychology, we also talked about how our hearts aren't the only thing we control. We control our emotions, how we see the world. Happiness is a choice. There was a quote my mother recited to me all the time when I was a little girl. I didn't get it then, but I do now, "Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it." This quote was brought up in my class as well. In life, there will always be things to be miserable about. However, if we choose to open our eyes to the good in the world, there are just as many things in life that can bring us happiness.

Later that night, driving home from a friend's house, I was thinking about everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, from the shattering of my heart, to my amazing class, and the time I had just spent with my good friend, when a song came on the radio. It was one I didn't recognize so I was about to switch channels when I felt prompted to just listen. So I did. I couldn't believe what I heard.

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breath it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again.

It's been a week since I started this post, and nearly two weeks since everything that I've told you about has taken place. Now I am facing a choice that I'd rather pretend did not exist. But it's time. And now, because of the things I have been learning these past couple weeks, I know things will be okay. In the end, all that really matters is if I choose to be happy or not.

And let me tell you my friends,

I chose happiness.

:)

What will you choose?

Hold Me Together

What I know:

God lives.

Family is forever.

Christ suffered and died for me.

I am never alone.

I'm not sure why, but I feel so strongly that I need to share my testimony today. 

I was creating a playlist full of contemporary Christian songs the other day, and for some reason, I thought of a song I haven't listened to in years. The first time I heard it, the song was an answer to my prayers. Among many other things, it was one of the key instruments the Lord used in pulling me out of a deep hole of depression I'd managed to sink into.

Agony in the Garden by Frans Schwartz

Today, I've been listening to this song on repeat. Before you become too concerned, I'm not fighting depression. It just happens to be the only song I want to listen to at the moment. The message it shares is powerful for every time of life. Currently, the only challenges I happen to be facing are pretty typical of a 22 year old college student. I had to say goodbye to a dear friend and roommate last week as she moved back home, I'm always stressed about school, figuring out how to manage money, balance social life and homework, and anyone who knows me knows I'm constantly concerned about dating. Bleh. Like I said, typical college worries.

But that's what I love about this song.

It reminds me that no matter how small my challenges are compared to the rest of the world, Christ understands completely. Sometimes I get a little discouraged and wonder, with all of the problems on earth, how could God possibly care about the mere trifles in my life. But then He does things like this: little things to remind me of His love. A song. A friend. A smile. Tender mercies. Sometimes it's even smaller. A simple feeling of peace, like getting a hug from heaven. The inexplicable feelings of peace come from the Savior keeping His promise:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. -John 14:27

I am eternally grateful for the knowledge I have of the Savior. I know that because of him, no matter what trials I face in life, big or small, I am never alone. He didn't just die for my sins. He suffered for me, felt every pain, heartache, sorrow, and sickness I will ever endure so that He could know exactly what I need. And He didn't just do it for me. He suffered this way for you. For us. For our friends and family. For people we'll never meet, for people we've never liked, and people that never liked Him. He loves so deeply, so completely, I will never be able to comprehend it. And I am forever thankful.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. -Alma 7:11-12

Who ever you are, what ever you're doing or going through, just please know, you are not alone. There is someone who knows exactly what you're facing, and if you let him, He will hold you together through it all. I know, because He has never once let me down. His name? Jesus Christ.

Bits of My Heart

And we're back.

I can't begin to write everything that I'm feeling. After four months in California, I've finally returned home. Among the bitter-sweet mixture that often comes at the end of a journey, I suppose the best word to describe what's in my heart is gratitude. Overwhelming, free-flowing, warm-you-up, make-you-cry, gratitude. I spent countless hours playing, laughing, and bonding with my nephews. I got to know my sister and brother-in-law so much better than I did before. I made friends and memories to last a life time. And if all of that wasn't enough, I learned more than I think I even realize at this moment.

I miss California and everyone there already. I guess that's the only real downside to travelling for extended periods of time: you leave bits of your heart everywhere you go. I always tell people that Idaho has my heart, but I know I left some of it scattered across the islands of Hawaii, a bit in Hanalei, a piece in Kohala, Hilo, and all over Oahu. Now that I'm home from Cali, it seems I left a bit of it there as well. You'd think after all this absent-mindedness, forgetting to take my heart with me when I leave, I'd run out of love. But nope. Because the more that I give, the more I seem to have. It's like the saying, "What you send out is sure to come back." I feel like as I give out bits of my heart, love pours into the cracks and holes left behind. It's not always the easiest thing, but so far, it has always been worth it.

There's a story I heard once, a long time ago about a beautiful heart. After a little research I found it online, so here it is. :)

A young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. But an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.”  

The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly but full of scars. It had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in … but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. The young man looked at the old man’s heart and laughed. 

“You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine … mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”  

“Yes,” said the old man, “Yours is perfect looking … but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love….. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them … and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away … and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges … giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too … and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”  

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man. 

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit …. but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. 

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his.

 Sometimes, I'm afraid to love. Afraid to do things that will require bits of my heart, because it's not the easiest thing. But in the end, it's totally worth it. Take care of my heart Cali. <3 On to the next adventure.